Wobbie Held Hostage Day 8: Proof of Life

On Friday afternoon, the following message from the unknown e-mail address "northamericaliberationfront@yahoo.com" was received - (our comments in red):

" Attention Mobile Group! After several days of deliberation by our Supreme Liberation Council, PBTNA (Praise Be To North America), we have compiled a preliminary list of demands.

# 1 Continue to post all of our glorious messages in their entirety on your socialist propaganda woohoo blog. That can be done

# 2 Deliver 10 cases of Carlsberg Pilsner to an off-shore account. Also send a full-bodied cabernet or saucy merlot for our Marketing Directors. See our spokesperson's comments below

# 3 Henceforth, you shall make no global packaging changes without our prior approval. We will consider this demand if you will promise to make 80% correct forecasts

# 4 The Danish Royal Family shall immediately abdicate their throne. The World's Oldest Kingdom will never relinquish the Supremacy. The Queen has put a special task force in place to ensure Robbie's return.

# 5 Denmark will cede their territorial claims of the Faroe Islands to the UK (actually this demand was submitted by Martin Best) Martin, we are shocked beyond speech. But hey - you can have them, no oil left anyway. And we will throw Bornholm in there as well...

# 6 You shall extend (indefinitely) the probationary period of the Junior Product Manager who was responsible to keep an eye on your so-called "Company Protector and Cultural Icon". That was already on our list :-)

# 7 All members of the Mobile Team shall immediately modify the titles on their business cards to include the words "North American Team b*tches". See our spokesperson's comments below

# 8 Any Danish males who visit our beaches in the future shall be required to wear full bathing trunks. No more speedos! Couldn't agree more. Done.

# 9 All GN employees shall only use American English. i.e. "organization" (not organisation) and "color" (not colour). You will also begin to greet each other with the phrase "Howdy!" We will consider, but only if North America accept to use the phrase "Could you knock me up in the morning" when you want to have someone to wake you up...

#10 The first and third Friday of every month will be "Sloppy Joe Day" in the Canteen. We will talk to Eddie the Chef, Wobbie will enjoy this when he gets back..

For scoring purposes, we have already awarded you a half-point for rejecting adoption of the French-inspired Euro. Fine

Attached is a recent photo to prove to you that no harm has befallen your fuzzy comrade (yet). He will remain a "guest" of our state until such time as you wisely decide to capitulate to our demands. See below

N.A.L.F.
North American Liberation Front

"




Our spokesperson for the organisation DMIA (Dogs Missing In Action) comments:





"Clearly, the NALF is on the run. They're under a lot of pressure. We do not negotiate with such organisations. We put them out of business. They started this war, and our President made it clear that we will end it at a time and place of our choosing. We continue to pursue all those who are seeking to do harm to Fuzzy Dogs, and to bring them to justice.


The whole world now knows, our dog Bonzai Robbie was kidnapped for ransom eight days ago. This is a recent photograph of him. Wobbie, if you see this, we love you. And this - well, this is what waits for the man that took him:















This is your ransom, 10 cases of Carlsberg and a bottle of Merlot in unmarked bottles, just like you wanted. But this is as close as you'll ever get to it. You'll never see one drop of this liquid, because no ransom will ever be paid for Wobbie. Not one drop, not one glass. Instead, we are offering this money as a reward on your head - dead or alive, it doesn't matter. So congratulations, you've just become a Carlsberg/Merlot lottery ticket... except the odds are much, much better. Do you know anyone that wouldn't turn you in for a Carlsberg? God be with you because no one else on this Earth will be.

Our thanks go to White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan and to Mel Gibson in Ransom for inspiration to this speech.